exactly.

04Mar12

ea

 

i just cant do this anymore. nothing i do will make thing a whole lot better.

now it seems. everything just keeps on getting worse and worse. 

i dont know how much longer i can hold on to it?

even at this right second, i dont know what to hold onto.

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15Feb11

my priority
1.SCHOOL.HOMEWORK.TEST.STUDY
2.MONEY
3.DIET.FOOD.NO MORE SHIT.
4.LOSE WEIGHT. RUN EVERYDAY!

I KNOW I CAN DO THIS!!!

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15Feb11

my life is sad.
everybody expect nothing from me but yet they expect perfect results from me.
why can’t they talk to me? do i really seems fine from outside? because i am not fine. i need you words,motivation,help,warmth,advise,jokes,a push and sort of things. but you don’t give anything. and you do that the duo. they always get everything. money,love,talk,word,guys,happiness and success. and what i get?
just a straight face and consequences.
sometimes,it feels good to have someone in your family that really pays attention to me and say could talk with me about life. i feel sad right now. i hate it when i can not do anything about it to change it. for example like now. i do not have money, i am no genius,i am no pet-child, i have no love, no one really support me. i am always not the first,second nor third. i am always the next after another. do i blame my self? no,i blame others. BUT then it got me thinking, i really should the blame on myself. why? 1.because i care what others think of me 2. i let them control 3. i let them do anything they want. i always follow what i have been told. and most of all, i am not doing anything to change it. i must change myself. everything.
what makes me happy is i start to change my school lifestyle. i am starting to do my homework. well thats just the first step,but like they say, first step is always the hardest. so yeah, i should keep telling myself,just go on with it. just continue what you are doing. =D

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i hate you.

25Jul10

fuck. why cant you be nice to me for one second? why cant you ask me nicely?why cant you feel what i am feeling at the moment for just one second? why cant you understand me? why cant you give me chance to change myself? am i really that sinful,useless and you hate me so much that you want make me look bad? am i to blame? if so,why did you never talk to me nicely? as far as i am concerned, you talk nicely and very gentle to other people? you talk as if you’re the right person to talk to your other daughter? but when it comes to me, you seems very different. you talk differently. you act different. you are different person. you are not the same person when you talked to others? how am i supposed to do? even my brain make sensed out of it, my heart for sure realise that. but i am trying to understand you for what reason you did that? one thing, i cannot change for who i am. but seems to me, the only reason you did that is because, you hate for who i am. you just cannot see for who i am. if so, why cant you talked to me nicely? you know the chances i would listen and change. but you never did that. you would do that to them. am i really that rubbish to you? how can i ingnore this? you are the reason why i am here today. but now i realised that, you have always dont favors me at the very beginning. this is the time when i truly need a mother’s warmth,advice,talk,words and hands. but seems to me, i cant ask that from you now. i have exams tomorrow. honestly i am scared of exams. i am still traumatized. but you seems to act you dont know whats happening to me.. i knew for sure, you can feel what i feel about my previous exam. but you just ignore me. assuming i’m fine with everything. is this what you really want?
you want me to be fine with everything?
all these years, i have been very quiet and keep things low. but you never think of me when you have them infront of you. i had enough of this. i am never going to have this moment ever agian. i will make sure this wont happen again. you mark my word. you assume this. this will happen. you know what?
from now on, i will do everything for myself. not for you nor anyone. i will do these for me. tell me selfish but its my life i’m talking about..

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i really lost hope.

07Mar10

i’m so tired. i have no strength to continue all this. i just don’t want to do anything right now. i simply give up. i just hate everything. i hate school. i hate friends. i feel i don’t fit to be with them. i feel not my self. i feel outcast and i feel left out. i feel i’m the one that doesn’t belong. i hate this family. i hope this is the people who i can talk about my problem,share this difficulties and help me get through this.but its the oppsite way. urgh i just don’t know what to do right now. i hate everything. i feel i just want to be nothing. i don’t have a person that could really understand me and help me to get my strength back. for sure,there is no one that i could really trust.

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i feel empty.

05Mar10

yes. i really do feel very empty. and full of guilt.today probably the second day i cried after my result. i cried today because of my family. i cried because of them. i’m quite amazed how they can actually make me cried and feel so crushed inside. i seriously do not like this. i always why i became the centre of to blame. somehow i feel so sad.very sad. this pain is unexplainable. why do of all reasons to blame,they blame it to me? to just one person,which is me. how does i caused everything? this is just the feeling of old times. after all this while, i thought a new life would be different from the old one. it turns out to be just the same. everything back to square one. is me or anything that i feel so unlucky? do i happen to have a bad luck in me? why do everything that involves me happens something that is very bad,sad,dull and no happiness in it? ever since i’ve known life,i knew and i realised somehow the presence of me brings bad luck. i envy other people around me.someone close to me. someone who i know. and one thing i for sure know,when i wants/envy/look at that person or things or attitudes, i will never ever accompplished it. i feel my presence in this world is just looking at how other people have good luck,have their success,happiness,love from everybody and i always wonder why when it comes to me,i have nothing. i have no family,friends nor support from other people. in my family,i am never a breadwinner,i am always the trouble,the one person that spoils everything and yet the one who did all the hardcore and very sad work while the others just sit down and do nothing. i am the one who get all the blames, and i am the one who always get pissed by everybody in this house. i feel i’m just a fool girl that are ready to serve or to please everybody in this family. but when i start to ignore this family,they would say i’m heartless,i never care about this family and i am person that always go friend rather than family..when i heard all this thing,i feel so crushed. oh my god,what is happening? what is really happening? why is this happening to me? somehow when i tried to get close to them,there is always something happens that makes me go away further than before. for me,i can no longer stand all this. forsure someday i am gonna explode and just do what i am gonna do.
my friends. all of them are smart,intelligent,talentedpretty,nice,sweet,wealthy and well known.while i’m just stupid,lazy,ugly,swearing,fat and poor. i envy all of my friends. but one thing makes me feel left out; every celebration,everybody tries to make suprises for birthdaypeople, but never in my life one celebrate my birthday with a card or cake. this really make me feel so left out. am i really that just friend? all this while am i the only dreaming that we were bestfriends? all this long,you never considered me as someone important? and boys never like me. they never take noticed of me. they never wish to know me.it is always me who get to them. i feel such a cheap whore. its as if i am the one who wants to get attention and be closed to them. never in my life, a male texted me,add my email, talk to me in msn or even to say hi to me and smile to me atleast when passing by. and when this comes,my 2 sisters always brag how they were once hot figure of the public,how they were the it girl that time,how they used to to model like figure and lots of boys wanting to be close to them.how does that make me feel like?happy?

things that i learnt;
i will never trust anyone.
other people just tries to make me feel good,actually they are not.
being too mean is definitely wrong,but being too nice is sure not right either.
i once believe that being nice will pays off but being mean will always get bad ending.
but now its the other way around. being to nice will not get me anywhere but being too mean will bring me somewhere.
never even bother to dream. dreams are bullshit. reality is the way to get it.
never trust anyone including family nor friends.

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life is meaningless

19Feb10

yup! my life officially is nothing.its meaningless. all those hopes,wishes,dreams&future are now gone.everything is vanished.all of it are now just gone.its just that i feel nothing. i don’t know what to do,seriously.
i don’t even want to do anything. i hate everything,i just still can’t move on.
i will never ever forget what happen,how i feel,what i see and everything that just happen.
one thing i know,i never will forget those moments.
the pain i felt and those tears that flows like flood.

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its either tomorrow or saturday

27Jan10

well my exam results is gonna come out either esuk or saturday..but i’m pretty sure the feeling goes on saturday.so mudahan tah aku dapat very good grades.AMIN.i just want both of my parents happy and proud of me.because of they are proud.not just wana. all these while,i hv been keeping those inside of me. all these years,pa&ma brags about her all the time.i do feel envy but to an extent where everybody fears her because of what she had become,i really do not have respect for that. i really wish i could actually beat her at studies. she is such an arrogant person.she even said she hate school and those stuff,but now when she look at my subjects,she just brag how smart she is at maths esp. god i feel anger now. i know i should not. i should be patience and very calm and willing to accept for my result.but i really swear i will pray to the fullest so that i can get 6-8A. doesnt matter if its A2. please help me with these.amin.

jang wooyoung

very manly..

hehehe

just wanna add in. haha. and i am trying to figure why do i like him..his charms?personality?goodlooking(no)..

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i think i can never taste happiness anymore

13Nov09

yeah. i never taste happiness anymore in this life. i just found the most unexpected and painful thing about me from my own sister.i’m trying to control my tears now since my lil sister is next to me. but my heart is full of tears.i’ve never felt this pain ever in my life. my own big sister is talking about me infront of me. like i can feel when people are talking about me.i have my instinct and me instinct is very strong. i feel when something is wrong. now i feel like a glass is being bashed to a hard rock. this heart is torned into pieces.not even pieces it become into dust..what hurts the most is the fact she is talking about me after my exam. this just put an end to freedom,stress-release,happiness i never felt before,ever since before my exam..like nda boleh bagi aku a break for a day kh? selama ani,nda cukup kh apa yg ku buat? macam kan setiap masa ada saja boleh menyakitkan hati..alum sampai satu hari,ada saja kn d cakap kan..ani lagi cakap dapan2 psl aku..pikir nya aku nda terasa kah? aku pun ada hati sama perasaan jua..i mean ia ckp psl aku dapan2 aku..ia pikir aku nda dangar kh tu? like helo! i am not that stupid to not understand that! ia ckp ‘aku penting kan diri sendiri’ i mean selama ani,i trust her. i begin to open my heart to her. and seeing her saying those words just completely close my heart even to anyone. i trust someone easily. i hate that.this really make me feel sad,painful and finished. from now onwards till i die, i will never trust her.wana.everyone

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i need to let it all out.

07Sep09

where should i start first?i think i shud start with the family. i cant say the word ‘my family’. these days,the feeling of saying the word ‘my family’ is just hard,heavy,burdensome,painful,tears wanna go out from my eyes,the flash back of memories tht hurt my feeling like no one ever did. the fear of wanting to go out from here,escaping this world of pain,the weight of everything that the first time in my life i could not hold any longer. i feel i want to let go,i wish i never feel that way  iwish i never hold that weight.everything is just so wrong. what have i done to deserve this?this is absolutely what i do not want.

the family i once used to believe that i have the best family ever in the world. as i grew up,everything seems to turn the opposite world. totally the reverse world.the parent who i looked up to when growing up.now i really down on them.honestly.sincerely i looked up at other people. i know by saying this makes me  really bad bad bad child. but i cant help it. i hate bapa. esp him! he is the one who i hate the most in the world. i could never ever forgive what he had done to me,the pain that he caused. the scar that he left me. the feeling of being crying because of what he did and what he said infront of my face. i hate him. i hate him. i just hate him. i can not agree on anything with him. i disagree everything what he had done. all he know is about the happiness of himself.and i know he hates me. the reason why he keep up with me is because he knows i will make lots of money in the future. i hate him. all he thinks is about the money. money money money. he is dirt.he i rubbish. he is devils’ ass. i just hate him. his desire to have lots of money. why cant he think about others? he is bitch for money.i promise i will not want to meet a guy like him. no way! never. i dont care how people say what u hate is what you love most. but no way is for me! i will never!i hate him. after this ,i just want to forget everything about him. i will think of him as someone is not important to me.

2 sis? those bitches. just because they lived first.thinking they deserve to give advice.guess what? i hv no respect for u! both of you always treat me like a slave that served you all the time.they dont deserve all this. i will make sure you do not look down on me.

study? tiring. i hv less than 5 weeks for my o level exam. wth????????i will start revising tomorrow. i will give my best. i will try the hardest and smartest. i will work to the fullest. i will do this for my self. not for anyone. for my future. for my dreams. my journey and my life.

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