i feel empty.

05Mar10

yes. i really do feel very empty. and full of guilt.today probably the second day i cried after my result. i cried today because of my family. i cried because of them. i’m quite amazed how they can actually make me cried and feel so crushed inside. i seriously do not like this. i always why i became the centre of to blame. somehow i feel so sad.very sad. this pain is unexplainable. why do of all reasons to blame,they blame it to me? to just one person,which is me. how does i caused everything? this is just the feeling of old times. after all this while, i thought a new life would be different from the old one. it turns out to be just the same. everything back to square one. is me or anything that i feel so unlucky? do i happen to have a bad luck in me? why do everything that involves me happens something that is very bad,sad,dull and no happiness in it? ever since i’ve known life,i knew and i realised somehow the presence of me brings bad luck. i envy other people around me.someone close to me. someone who i know. and one thing i for sure know,when i wants/envy/look at that person or things or attitudes, i will never ever accompplished it. i feel my presence in this world is just looking at how other people have good luck,have their success,happiness,love from everybody and i always wonder why when it comes to me,i have nothing. i have no family,friends nor support from other people. in my family,i am never a breadwinner,i am always the trouble,the one person that spoils everything and yet the one who did all the hardcore and very sad work while the others just sit down and do nothing. i am the one who get all the blames, and i am the one who always get pissed by everybody in this house. i feel i’m just a fool girl that are ready to serve or to please everybody in this family. but when i start to ignore this family,they would say i’m heartless,i never care about this family and i am person that always go friend rather than family..when i heard all this thing,i feel so crushed. oh my god,what is happening? what is really happening? why is this happening to me? somehow when i tried to get close to them,there is always something happens that makes me go away further than before. for me,i can no longer stand all this. forsure someday i am gonna explode and just do what i am gonna do.
my friends. all of them are smart,intelligent,talentedpretty,nice,sweet,wealthy and well known.while i’m just stupid,lazy,ugly,swearing,fat and poor. i envy all of my friends. but one thing makes me feel left out; every celebration,everybody tries to make suprises for birthdaypeople, but never in my life one celebrate my birthday with a card or cake. this really make me feel so left out. am i really that just friend? all this while am i the only dreaming that we were bestfriends? all this long,you never considered me as someone important? and boys never like me. they never take noticed of me. they never wish to know me.it is always me who get to them. i feel such a cheap whore. its as if i am the one who wants to get attention and be closed to them. never in my life, a male texted me,add my email, talk to me in msn or even to say hi to me and smile to me atleast when passing by. and when this comes,my 2 sisters always brag how they were once hot figure of the public,how they were the it girl that time,how they used to to model like figure and lots of boys wanting to be close to them.how does that make me feel like?happy?

things that i learnt;
i will never trust anyone.
other people just tries to make me feel good,actually they are not.
being too mean is definitely wrong,but being too nice is sure not right either.
i once believe that being nice will pays off but being mean will always get bad ending.
but now its the other way around. being to nice will not get me anywhere but being too mean will bring me somewhere.
never even bother to dream. dreams are bullshit. reality is the way to get it.
never trust anyone including family nor friends.

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